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 There is this one scene that keeps playing in my head over and over again for the past few weeks that wants to be written. An image of me skewered against a crumbling wall with a lance. I'm trying to write it down, but I can't finish it.
Nice, no? The one time I want to write something, even if it is a very short something, and I can't even finish it.
Hngh.

But hey, it's a good writing prompt, right? So comment with what you can churn out with that image in mind, guys. 
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This was supposed to be a positive entry. A post with a list of pros (no cons, if I include that it'll overwhelm the pros) that comes with this particular change in my life. Which doesn't signal the end of the world (truly) because the past three weeks have taught me that I can always look at things from a different perspective and that this is actually the opportune moment for me to fix myself.

But I'm just starting to emerge from the torpor that I've sunk myself into this past week. Give me time.

(The life update is that I've lost my job.)

Yep, just give me time.

rusty.

May. 17th, 2012 12:01 am
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So very. It feels like I'm starting all over.

I have a book blog (or a reading blog, rather) and I just updated it after 10 months of inactivity.

Feels nice.
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Right, the event that I was agonizing over for the past month or so has come and gone. Now that I've had my full 9 hours of sleeping the sleep of the dead, time for some thoughts.
  • I really, truly worry too much about everything. 
  • I haven't seen/talked to/chatted with family and friends for a very long time.
  • I take most of my family and friends for granted.


...

Apr. 18th, 2012 10:14 pm
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  “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” 
― RuPaul
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          1.1 Feliz S 20
                (Escitalopram Oxalate)
                20mg Film-Coated Tablet
                Antidepressant
                    1 tablet at bedtime

          1.2 Clonotril - 2
                (Clonazepam)
                2mg Tablet
                Antiepileptic
                    1/4 tablet at bedtime






I am at a loss for words or thoughts.
frozenflower: illustration of an oiran (Default)
And it looks so good that I sort of don't want to return to this one. And then I suddenly remembered why I liked .hack//sign so much.
  • my life in bullets. because my life is stuttering on, I think.
  • going to have my first consultation with a psychiatrist tomorrow.
  • it's been thirteen (13) years since I've been in a shrink's office.
  • I didn't like her
  • It didn't feel genuine to me.
  • I'm giving it another try because I'm sick of myself.
  • Because it's definitely affecting my work now.
  • And I feel like something's going to give if I don't do something.

frozenflower: illustration of an oiran (Default)


translation (source):

In reality, I was about to collapse, I was really afraid,
I made merry like an idiot, I pretended to be calm,
It may have looked like I was just talking about my dreams,
But that was all I could do.

If all you can do is put up a facade,
Even when you stretch out your hands, you won't hold on to anything.
I tried desperately to stand
In the space between dreams and reality.

Pipe dreams continue in the mighty kingdom
Before we realize, we're swallowed up in superfluous information.
I'm stopping to search for my own sound
So that I don't miss the real sound.

What should I believe?
I show something desperate that's ringing in my heart.
I want you to hear the real sound,
If you don't, this world will be...

Everything is gaudily decorated, everything has lost its real form.
At this rate, the world I live in
Will become overwhelmingly sad.

If all you can do is put up a facade...
But that's better than rusting away like this.
I want you to hear the real sound.
If you don't, this world will be...
Everything is like a pipe dream,
I show something desperate that's ringing in my heart.
I tried desperately to stand,
In the space between dreams and reality.

Let me hear the real sound...

For years.

Mar. 17th, 2012 01:42 am
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"Something Is Not Right With Me"

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
How was I supposed to know?

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Trying not to let it show

I tried to call you collect
You said you would not accept
Your friends are laughing
'Cause nobody uses pay phones

Gave me quarters to select
Song on the the jukebox that gets
People dancing
Should have never chose "Girlfriend"

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
How was I supposed to know?

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
I'm trying not to let it show

Passions of the people were sleeping late into the evening
Reach behind, they could hardly find their spines
Passions of the people were sleeping late into the evening
Reach behind, they could hardly find their spines
Passions of the people were sleeping late into the evening
Reach behind, they could hardly find their spines

You said you like old cars
I bought a beat up brown Dodge
it was smoking black
And died in your frontyard

You follow who's dating who
But, but when it comes to you
One is pulled a dozen
Different ways in the mind

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
How was I supposed to know?

Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
Something is not right with me
I'm trying not to let it show
frozenflower: illustration of an oiran (Default)
and I didn't notice the 2 hours that blazed by until my cousin called me for dinner. Now that I'm done eating, I'm going back to that world.

Well, not really. Lemme install Mass Effect 2 first. 

EDIT: mm, did something wrong in the installation with ME2. will try it again tomorrow.
EDIT 2: nvm, got it to work now. REDHEAD SHEPARD FTW. Dragon Age will be next ^^
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I have a new laptop. She (feels like a she) is a Lenovo W520 model, black, matte, and sleek. I won't be buying a lot of stuff in the following months because of her, but it's an arrangement I'm okay with.

I WANNA PLAY SOME DRAGON AGE/DRAGON AGE II/MASS EFFECT/MASS EFFECT 2/SKYRIM NAO.

XD
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It has been an awesome (I keep using the word, I remember someone saying it was so high school) week; bought new running shoes, saw [personal profile] ephemere, [personal profile] darklightshades, [personal profile] afuna and [personal profile] thelittleone at Mia's apartment-warming, received [personal profile] divergence's lovely package, interviewed an individual who happens to have an amazing Filipiniana library and lets researchers and book lovers use it for free...

But not been looking forward to going to work lately... )

And I should really go out more to meet friends again. I miss being happy xP Bzuh. Right, time to write letters!
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My boss is in India right now to attend the Jaipur Literature Festival and won't be back until the 30th. So I'm lollygagging at work.

But not by a whole whole lot, really.

Because I have an annual report to finish by tomorrow and am in the middle of planning the first issue of a quarterly magazine that our office churns out.

So what I should be doing at this moment is typing words at the draft of the annual report. After that, I ought to figure out which publishing houses to call for their new book releases and commissioning people to write v. short book reviews about local books.

... yes, those are the things that I should be doing.

But I do have a reputation for procrastinating... )

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My whole family is under one roof today. We - Mama, Papa, me, Joy, and Angel - will be spending New Year's Eve together. That hasn't happened in 10 years. And it is possible that it won't be happening again for some years more, so my family will just have to put up with the barrage of camera clicks later ^^
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I will be missing my college friend's wedding tomorrow at this gorgeous place in Caleruega because of the layout of the company give-away journal that I have to finish by this week. I've already sent it back to the artist for corrections and waited the whole day earlier for her to call, but she didn't. It was when I already left the office that she texted and called the office. I've texted her twice already, asking if I can call her at her house. No reply yet.

My boss is already on my case because things have been moving too slowly for her. I wish I could just egg the artist to go faster, but I know that I can't, so I'm just resorting to multiple texts a day to the artist.

(I guess I can just send a card to the newly couple. Hngh.)

Hm.

Dec. 14th, 2011 08:59 pm
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My boss asked me the other day if I wanted to blog about working in a government office. I don't think I can, now. My personal blog in a state of permadrought, and I tried making one for work.

But I miss blogging. I really do. All I do online these days is check my work e-mail, LJRP and spend the majority of my time on Plurk, Twitter, Facebook and other social networking sites. I think I've shrunk my brain, I can't come up with nice, long entries anymore. Not even on my written journal .___.
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She didn't actually say or imply anything to me. And it was the first time that I met her though I have heard of her name before. But thank you, Pam Pastor. Hearing you talk yesterday sort of gave me permission to (wo)man up and begin writing in earnest.

It was quiet )
frozenflower: illustration of an oiran (Default)
but the start of it.

July 04, 2007

I was waiting for space. & emptiness. & smallness.
But to my eyes everything was big & mine for the taking
Nevermind that my hands could actually grasp it, it always
Slipped from my fingers, greasy & hot,
ineffably not mine? Really

There always must be space. Or none at all.
The leg against the glass pane, breath forming fog.
The rocking gap of the table & floor.
Between wallet flaps.

Not poetry, the trembling of hands, the compulsion of the return,
second caramel frap, grande this time.
Alone. Solo.

You live in the present w/your mind mired in the past.

Attempted stuttering freefalling. Form & shape maddening.

Hello.

May. 4th, 2009 08:59 pm
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And this makes... 7 so far. Just 3, if you're counting the active ones. Dunno if i'll turn on the cross-posting option. I'd like to keep things separate, oddly enough.

I got my Sputnik Sweetheart book back yesterday, looking forward to re-reading it.

Who?

Karen. 28. I will be a writer.